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Benzo Exodus Success Stories
Success Stories
David's Story
February 4, 2006
On Tuesday, January 31st 2006, I took my last dose of Klonopin. My journey has spanned over fifteen years since I was first diagnosed with a
panic disorder in October of 1991.
This is my story.
In April of 1991, I was a young twenty-seven year old information technologies manager and had to work over the weekend to upgrade a
company’s computer system. Things were not going well with the upgrade and I was very stressed because I felt obligated to get
their systems back up
and running by Monday morning. I finally finished the project successfully and went to bed Sunday night unaware that the next morning
my physical and mental health would take a turn for the worse.
Monday morning I woke up with extremely high anxiety. Not the normal kind of anxiety that most people have; this anxiety was physiological
in nature and was at the core of my nervous system. Bright light, clanging silverware and keys bothered me immensely. I had very strong
tension throughout my entire body and my mind felt disconnected from the world.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought, perhaps I was stressed and needed to rest. So I took two weeks off work and used up
all of my sick leave time, but my nervous system still did not recover. I lay in bed for two weeks trying to sleep off my problem, only to wake
up with the same symptoms. My nervous system was on edge and I was scared!
I went back to work out of necessity and found the symptoms extremely hard to deal with while at the office. Because of the nature of
my job, I had to attend meetings frequently and it was in one of these meetings that I had the first of many panic attacks. My hands became
extremely sweaty and my heart beat rapidly. I felt detached from the room as if I was outside of my body. The more I tried to hide the inner
turmoil, the worse the symptoms became.
Panic attacks also plagued me while at home but to a lesser degree. When taking short walks, I would be afraid of leaving the safety of
my home. The fear of collapsing on the sidewalk from a panic attack with no one to help me was always present. After about six months
of suffering, a friend referred me to a physician who was known to be very caring.
My hands shook as I filled out the new patient form in the waiting room. I was a nervous wreck. The doctor listened to my story and explained
to me that I had an anxiety panic disorder. He said that I could take a medication that would make me feel better; the name of the medication
was Klonopin. He explained to me that Klonopin was a mild tranquilizer that was a member of the benzodiazepine class of drugs that were
less addictive than their predecessors, barbiturates. When I asked him when I could stop taking it, he said that I might have to take it the
rest of my life.
My life on Benzos
The words my doctor spoke that day had a profound effect on me psychologically. I was not keen on the idea of taking an addictive drug for
the rest of my life so I tried several times to stop taking my medication. All attempts failed.
Over a span of fifteen years I consulted several psychiatrists, internist doctors, and psychologists asking whether I was experiencing
withdrawal symptoms or a recurrence of an underlying disorder. None of them knew the answer and all of them suggested that I continue
taking the medicine.
Each time I tried to stop taking my Klonopin the withdrawal symptoms hit me hard and I would always end up re-instating at my full dose
to get the symptoms back under control.
Once, I went on vacation to a favorite spot in the mountains. I was alone and thought that this would be the perfect place for me to stop
taking my Klonopin. After two days without my medicine, my withdrawal symptoms became intense and I had to reinstate once again.
I thought to myself, if I can’t get off of this Klonopin in a tranquil place like this, I’ll never be able to do it once I’m back in the city and
working again. I drove home defeated and another well-meaning attempt to get off the drug once again failed.
Around six years ago I decided to make yet one more serious attempt to get off of the Klonopin and sought the advice of a psychologist
to help me. The psychologist recommended neuro feedback sessions as a treatment for my anxiety disorder. Neuro feedback taught me
to relax and concentrate at the same time, which it turns out is very helpful in coping with panic attacks, but the treatments did nothing to
help me get off of my Klonopin.
During my four months of treatment, I tapered .125mg every 2 weeks and eventually made it down to .5mg. from my original dose of
1mg per day. I then attempted to lower the dose down to .325mg and this was a total disaster. I held there for one week and was in
complete torture while at work and eventually had to re-instate to .5mg. I held at .5mg for one year but I was so fatigued that I eventually
asked my doctor to reinstate me to 1mg. My fatigue went away, at least for the moment.
Decision time
I was tired of shopping for doctors that would willingly prescribe me Klonopin. So in June of 2005, after my doctor retired, I decided to make
one more serious attempt at tapering off of my Klonopin.
I have always felt vulnerable that my physical and mental health was in the hands of doctors, who could easily refuse to refill my next
prescription putting me at risk of severe withdrawal.
Finding help
Once I had resolve in starting a serious taper again, I decided to search the Internet.
I found the Benzo Liberty web site, which in turn led me to the Yahoo Benzo Support group.
I started researching benzodiazepine withdrawal protocols and read the posts daily. In the files section I found an article written by one
of the moderators that described how to taper off of benzodiazepines using water as a titration medium.
The method looked good and I posted on the board with my desire to water titrate. Another mod graciously responded and taught me
the process. I then took the formula and created a schedule for myself using Microsoft Excel so that I wouldn’t have to do the math manually.
After dry cutting in .125mg increments and holding for two weeks after each cut, things started to get difficult after my third cut to .625mg.
I again took two weeks to stabilize at .625mg, and then started my water titration in July of 2005.
I always had difficulties tapering Klonopin in the past, but this time I had a lot of support from experienced, knowledgeable people and things
looked promising.
Water titration
Oh, my God! What a difference the water titration made. I could barely feel the withdrawals as I tapered. Yes, there were symptoms, but
they were so mild compared to breaking my pills.
By using the water titration method, I was able to continue working a full time job, attend exercise classes twice a week, help take care of
two small children, and most importantly, eventually free myself from the addictive bonds of the benzodiazepine drug.
What I’ve learned
Over the course of my journey, I have learned many things.
List of symptoms
Sensitivity to sound (minor to moderate), Derealization/Depersonalization (DP/DR) (minor to moderate), Sensitivity to light (minor),
Tingling/numb fingers (minor), Sweaty hands (minor), Floating feeling when walking (minor), Slight eyelid twitch at lower doses (minor),
Muscle aches and pains (minor to severe), tight band feeling around my head (minor).
My return to wellness
The most important thing I’ve gained back is my freedom from someone or something controlling my life. I am no longer a slave to
benzodiazepines and I no longer have to be concerned over whether my next prescription refill will be denied.
My emotions have started to come back. No longer do I stand by and watch life from the sidelines. I get angry. I get very happy, and
I care. While on Klonopin, these emotions were lost and if I experienced them at all they were very much muted.
Part of my short term memory has returned to some degree and I find it easier to recall names. My sense of humor has increased
dramatically. My ability to recall things is improving, and I find it easier to compose essays. I don’t have to struggle as much when searching for the right words to use.
Fatigue is no longer an issue for me and that awful feeling I used to get when I missed a dose no longer plagues me. I have lost nothing
and gained everything.
I did lose one thing - my crutch.
Conclusion
When I was first researching how to get off benzodiazepines, I read a persons success story that described their experience of what
it was like to be free from benzodiazepines. The person said that the grass appeared greener once they were off.
I did not understand how grass could appear greener because I was in my own benzo fog at the time. As I reached the lower doses in my
taper, I experienced what the person was talking about. Life now appears more vivid. My senses are more alive, and the sky looks more
beautiful. This is what I had been missing out on all of these years without even realizing it.
There is a song that I have always liked the words to. It’s called “I hope you dance.”
The theme of the song is to not sit down and watch life pass you by.
So, as a toast to all who have suffered before us, those currently struggling, and those who have yet to attempt this journey. I hope that
we all find the strength to dance the dance of life. May we all be free and stay free of this insidious drug and live life to its fullest! I’ll see
you on the dance floor.
David
ByByMatrix's Story
March 8th, 2011
Full Healing After 18 Years on Klonopin
I started taking Klonopin for panic attacks 18 years ago. Which did seem to work for awhile. Through the years my dose slowly increased and my personality changed. I had become someone that didn't care, weather a person lived or died ,succeeded in life or failed. In fact, I liked watching others fail. I didn't like what I had become. So, without doing any research I jumped off Klonopin 11/30/09.
The first day after quitting, I woke up with a hot metallic taste in my mouth and decided to do a quick search on Klonopin withdrawals. The site I found listed symptoms such as metallic taste, increased anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia. Those symptoms I already had and thought, well I should be able handle the symptoms fine. Well, day three hit and everything let loose. On that night I woke up in shear terror and panic. The days that followed were even worse as I had the most terrible pain along with my skin feeling like it was on fire.
:Note: I had several tests done before jumping , from brain scans to a colonoscopy. Since being cleared with a clean bill of health, I knew the symptoms I had were from Klonopin.
Because of the pain and severe insomnia, I started to increase my Ambien dose and made up an excuse to have an old Percocet Rx renewed. My addiction to Ambien and Percocet soon became out of control. My Doctors became aware of my abuse and wouldn't give me another refill. So, at the end of April of 2010 I ended up doing another C/T. Although I stopped these drugs fast, it didn't seem to really change things for me mentally or physically. While I was still on Precocet and Ambien and even after I stopped both , the waves still kept happening.
I'm not proud and feel disappointed that I let this happen, but that's who I was and I am not that person anymore.
Even though things did seem to be improving somewhat, I still felt like a lost soul and wondered if this would be my normal self. My family even pressured me to reinstate and said, some people just need to stay on this medication.
Later, I had many ups and downs. One of which was a Cipro steroid reaction and that felt very close to the C/T I had done earlier with Klonopin. That was another very dark time for me. I even told my wife to be ready, because I didn't think I had the strength to make it this time. Well, don't ask me how but I managed to push through it. In time the intensity went down and the windows started happening again.
About three weeks ago, I woke up and my wife told me to go look at the whites of my eyes. When I looked they were white! Since that time my sleep has returned and have had not had anymore mental or physical problems.
I have also been testing myself by going out in public and doing a really intense workout. I have no more muscle weakness, or anxiety when I'm around people.
I'm symptom free and feel very confident I'm totally healed.
Although I did everything the wrong way. It shows you even a long time benzo user such as myself can heal.
Take your time, follow your taper, get support from others, ask questions and research as much as you can.
You will heal from this and realize the fight was all worth it.
Pete's Story
June 10, 2010
Two Years Off....And Where Am I Now?
It's funny.
I can vividly recall sitting at the office of my first psychiatric doctor, at age 14 no less, and being told that I was never going to be like other kids my age, that I would never be what he called "normal", because I suffered from manic depression. After being sentenced like a criminal for my nervous behaviour, my "physician" placed me in a prison of his own design, by means of a prescription for a drug that "I would have to take until I die".
That drug was Pamelor and it would be the first of many, many drugs that I would take over the next 21 years of my life.
I won't lie. I led a very good life on these medications - when they actually worked. I graduated college, got a degree in exercise physiology and nutritional studies, performed on stage for many years, got married, had children and basically led a relatively functional life.
One day, however, I noticed that life wasn't as easy as it had previously been. I was far more moody, more inclined to act aggressively, finding myself growing more and more apathetic, as well as basically becoming more withdrawn. On top of that, lights were suddenly too bright, sounds that I once enjoyed grated on my ears, things I enjoyed became uninteresting and I began to feel dizzy, uncomfortable and just plain sick...
In short, I was in a state of tolerance to my current medication regime, the meds I had been on for the last ten years - Klonopin and Remeron.
The Klonopin had ben given to me as an adjunct medication that was used to combat the restless legs that I got from the Remeron, but it worked really well on my anxiety and so my doc kept it on. I started at .5 mg, but worked my way all the way up to 2 mg before I got wise to what was happening to me.
I told him I wanted off of these meds after I researched them, something I should have done a long time ago. He assisted me and over a period of six months, I was weened off of both medications.
That was in June of 2008. The 9th, to be more precise.
The first month off was pure Heaven and I considered myself fortunate, as what I read seemed to indicate that I'd be suffering greatly for doing such a quick taper (I didn't know better and only learned of this after I made the mistake). However, my month of happiness quickly developed into months and months of sheer Hell - a nightmarish selection of symptoms that made me feel as if death would be a far better release than to keep going through what I was going through.
I couldn't sleep at all, I was so dizzy, I was throwing up day in and day out, I couldn't think straight, I was depressed and crying, I didn't want to be alone, I was clingy, I was unable to eat - and this was on a GOOD day.
After about six months, things started to get better, for a short period of time, but things didn't truly improve until the end of the first year.
Mind you, I was working the whole time I went through this. I had to. I had to keep myself functioning on some level. I have two kids and a wife - and they depended upon me, whether I was sick or not. It was pure Hell, but I think this got me through a lot of it.
As of yesterday, 6/9/2010, I am now two years off.
I am very functional, but am in now way the person I once was. Still, I realize that part of the change has nothing to do with what I went through. It's just who I was deep down inside, before all of the medications I was given (I was on a LOT of different meds over the years). The meds were what defined me and now, without them, I seek to define myself and it's hard not knowing who you truly are sometimes, not recalling how you felt prior to the meds...
I still have bad periods and they are tough, but I rise above it. I have to. I am still not sleeping all that well, but it has gotten better. I have some vertigo and feelings of fullness or feelings that I am going to fall over going on in my head and it terrifies me, but what can I do? I have joint and muscle issues, which is partially due to lack of sleep and I still get depressed, but I am healing and that's what gets me through.
Believe me. In two years, I have seen such improvement. I only wish I could see more.
I will.
We all will.
In the end, we all heal.
-Pete
Elizabeth's Story
June 16th, 2010
Benzo Free and Loving It!
Hello, my name is Elizabeth. I was prescribed .25 mgs. of Alprazolam after suffering a serious panic attack in March of 2005. By March 2007 my dose had increased to 2 mgs. per day. I knew nothing about tolerance. I accepted my doctor's advice on dosage increase and having to be on this med for the rest of my life, not unlike so many others have been told. I know now I had many symptoms before I chose to taper. I made my decision to get off benzos in March 2007. I told my doctor and asked for a plan, surprise, I got none. He did ask to do blood work before I began my taper. The blood work showed low thyroid function which I now know can be caused by benzo use. He put me on thyroid medication which sped up liver function and caused a full c/d w/d from Xanax. It took eight months and another 1 mg. of Alprozalam to get stable enough to begin my taper.
I began my taper on Feb. 1, 2008 and finished on March 24, 2009. Today I am well. I feel my life has returned to normal for the most part. I still have to watch my diet, do all to remain stress free and not over exert myself. If I do these things symptoms are kept at a minimum. I am back to enjoying social gatherings. I can go shopping, exercise and sleep. I am no longer house bound. I feel like I have been set free. Whatever suffering there was involved with getting off benzos has been far outweighed by the rewards.
If I could do this anyone can. Just take one day at a time and don't fight were you are on that day. Acceptance is key to a successful taper.
My best to all,
Elizabeth
Bliss' Story
March 11th, 2011
A New Beginning Awaits You...
Our wedding day could not have come soon enough. I was excited and totally unaware that an “adventure” of another kind was about to unfold. It all started in the spring of 1998 when I went to see my doctor about a troublesome tic of my right eye. I was planning my wedding and was somewhat self-conscious about the tic, which I felt would ruin my wedding day. Big lesson – If it ain't broke, don't fix it... and such vanity is not a good idea either! : )
My doctor prescribed Rivotril (clonazepam or Klonopin in the US), a drug I had not heard of before and had no clue was used as a tranquilliser or that there were dependency issues. It helped the tics initially, reducing them to a few or sometimes none daily and I was elated. I had found the miracle cure.
Tolerance and the first taste of withdrawal
My euphoria was short-lived as the tics soon returned, but this time more frequently and intensely. I stopped taking the medication once I realised it was no longer effective but had frightening involuntary movements a few days later and so ended up taking it again. The fitting stopped. I thought I'd developed a form of epilepsy or other movement disorder when I had in fact developed a tolerance (when more of the drug is needed to be effective) and by quitting cold turkey had had what was my first withdrawal reaction.
I ended up taking the medication for another 7-plus years by repeat prescription and for most of that time was in tolerance withdrawal, always having obscure complaints and minor ailments/withdrawal symptoms.
The fog descends
During the earlier years on the medication life was relatively normal and I worked hard within the voluntary sector and continued my training as a counsellor and clinical psychotherapist. But gradually everything became a blur: the brain fog descended on my brain, I became lethargic, emotionally anaesthetised, spaced out and absent-minded. I made unsound judgements with dire consequences but did not, at that time, make any link with the drug.
When my memory began to be affected and the brain fog became too severe, for ethical reasons and in the interest of my clients, I gave up counselling and went to do a less demanding but well-paying job. I had a feeling of foreboding and was generally unwell but still had no idea that this was in any way related to the medication.
Finally, an answer
In an effort to regain control of my life, I started searching for answers and found the Ashton Manual. I recall the tears gently rolling down my cheeks as I finally made the link between my challenges and drug. I quickly printed it off and took it to my doctor the following morning.
Not ever having had any type of psychological problem I dismissed many of the symptoms listed as being only likely to occur in people who had anxiety or depression as pre-existing conditions. I had no preconceptions of what withdrawal would be like. I eventually became too ill to work, had to give up work and lost my home as a result. By this time I had already left my husband. The downward spiral had begun.
Throes of withdrawal
My symptoms became intense once I was completely off the clonazepam (summer 2005). I thought I was prepared and in many ways I was. I did not resist and used meditation, positive self-talk, affirmations, emotional freedom techniques (EFT), diaphragmatic breathing and every other possible coping strategy while I observed what was happening to my mind and body. I couldn't sleep, eat, every part of my body hurt, tingled, twitched, my perception was distorted - I was "seeing and feeling things”, dizzy, my senses were heightened, my eyes were glazed and glassy, I had abdominal pains with vomiting and diarrhoea and just about every other withdrawal symptom conceivable. If I had not had this experience I would not have believed it possible for a prescribed drug to wreak such havoc. I could do very little but one thing I managed to do was to journalize my experience. I would throw up and then run to get a piece of paper to scribble on... Benzo insanity!
Windows and waves
By late February 2006, I had my first little window – a brief period during which the brain fog disappeared and some of the symptoms subsided. The pattern of intermittent waves of symptoms and these welcome windows of clarity continued with the waves gradually becoming shorter and the windows lasting longer. I began my taper around April/May 2005 and withdrawal ended in December 2005. (This is not recommended. You must taper as slowly as is suitable for you.) For more than a year of my withdrawal, apart from having to cope with the waves of dizziness, nausea DP, DR and other symptoms, my memory was badly impaired. I remember having to keep a notebook with my address, NI (SS) number, the day the rubbish was collected and other important information. I felt like someone suffering from early onset dementia.
Recovery and a new beginning
I eventually made it through to recovery! Around December of 2007 I noticed that most of the symptoms had disappeared. I was a bit shell shocked and waited until March of 2008 before announcing my recovery. I was so accustomed to having waves and windows, I thought it best to wait. : ) I consider myself to be fully recovered and feel 100% better than I was during the entire time that I took the benzo. (I do still have little spasms in the general area where I had the pre-existing tic. They are very brief and pain-free and I honestly don't give then any attention. I consider them to be a part of the final fine-tuning/tweaking of my nervous system.) I'm extremely thankful that I am now recovered and able to resume a normal life. To have my cognitive faculties back was worth every minute of withdrawal and I am still in awe of how resilient and self-healing our bodies are. To go from not being able to say a full sentence or read a book to writing one (“Benzo-Wise) is evidence of how well we heal.
Withdrawal is temporary
If you are in the process of discontinuing a benzo, z-drug or antidepressant, please be assured that any withdrawal effects that you may be experiencing are temporary (even if you notice it is lasting longer than you hoped). You must dig deep down for patience and give your nervous system time to heal. Also, remember that not everyone has such severe and protracted symptoms; there are some people with mild dependencies who are able to discontinue the drug and continue working and functioning fully. The key is to always hold on to HOPE. Accept the symptoms, avoid stimulants and over-exerting, focus on the positives, don't compare your situation with others, find things to be grateful for every single day no matter how badly you may be feeling, release any resistance and be gentle and nurturing with yourself... you WILL make it through this.
And when you do, it will be very empowering. I genuinely believe that nothing in life can phase me now - a sense of near-invincibility. You've survived benzo withdrawal? You can survive anything!
February 4, 2006
On Tuesday, January 31st 2006, I took my last dose of Klonopin. My journey has spanned over fifteen years since I was first diagnosed with a
panic disorder in October of 1991.
This is my story.
In April of 1991, I was a young twenty-seven year old information technologies manager and had to work over the weekend to upgrade a
company’s computer system. Things were not going well with the upgrade and I was very stressed because I felt obligated to get
their systems back up
and running by Monday morning. I finally finished the project successfully and went to bed Sunday night unaware that the next morning
my physical and mental health would take a turn for the worse.
Monday morning I woke up with extremely high anxiety. Not the normal kind of anxiety that most people have; this anxiety was physiological
in nature and was at the core of my nervous system. Bright light, clanging silverware and keys bothered me immensely. I had very strong
tension throughout my entire body and my mind felt disconnected from the world.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought, perhaps I was stressed and needed to rest. So I took two weeks off work and used up
all of my sick leave time, but my nervous system still did not recover. I lay in bed for two weeks trying to sleep off my problem, only to wake
up with the same symptoms. My nervous system was on edge and I was scared!
I went back to work out of necessity and found the symptoms extremely hard to deal with while at the office. Because of the nature of
my job, I had to attend meetings frequently and it was in one of these meetings that I had the first of many panic attacks. My hands became
extremely sweaty and my heart beat rapidly. I felt detached from the room as if I was outside of my body. The more I tried to hide the inner
turmoil, the worse the symptoms became.
Panic attacks also plagued me while at home but to a lesser degree. When taking short walks, I would be afraid of leaving the safety of
my home. The fear of collapsing on the sidewalk from a panic attack with no one to help me was always present. After about six months
of suffering, a friend referred me to a physician who was known to be very caring.
My hands shook as I filled out the new patient form in the waiting room. I was a nervous wreck. The doctor listened to my story and explained
to me that I had an anxiety panic disorder. He said that I could take a medication that would make me feel better; the name of the medication
was Klonopin. He explained to me that Klonopin was a mild tranquilizer that was a member of the benzodiazepine class of drugs that were
less addictive than their predecessors, barbiturates. When I asked him when I could stop taking it, he said that I might have to take it the
rest of my life.
My life on Benzos
The words my doctor spoke that day had a profound effect on me psychologically. I was not keen on the idea of taking an addictive drug for
the rest of my life so I tried several times to stop taking my medication. All attempts failed.
Over a span of fifteen years I consulted several psychiatrists, internist doctors, and psychologists asking whether I was experiencing
withdrawal symptoms or a recurrence of an underlying disorder. None of them knew the answer and all of them suggested that I continue
taking the medicine.
Each time I tried to stop taking my Klonopin the withdrawal symptoms hit me hard and I would always end up re-instating at my full dose
to get the symptoms back under control.
Once, I went on vacation to a favorite spot in the mountains. I was alone and thought that this would be the perfect place for me to stop
taking my Klonopin. After two days without my medicine, my withdrawal symptoms became intense and I had to reinstate once again.
I thought to myself, if I can’t get off of this Klonopin in a tranquil place like this, I’ll never be able to do it once I’m back in the city and
working again. I drove home defeated and another well-meaning attempt to get off the drug once again failed.
Around six years ago I decided to make yet one more serious attempt to get off of the Klonopin and sought the advice of a psychologist
to help me. The psychologist recommended neuro feedback sessions as a treatment for my anxiety disorder. Neuro feedback taught me
to relax and concentrate at the same time, which it turns out is very helpful in coping with panic attacks, but the treatments did nothing to
help me get off of my Klonopin.
During my four months of treatment, I tapered .125mg every 2 weeks and eventually made it down to .5mg. from my original dose of
1mg per day. I then attempted to lower the dose down to .325mg and this was a total disaster. I held there for one week and was in
complete torture while at work and eventually had to re-instate to .5mg. I held at .5mg for one year but I was so fatigued that I eventually
asked my doctor to reinstate me to 1mg. My fatigue went away, at least for the moment.
Decision time
I was tired of shopping for doctors that would willingly prescribe me Klonopin. So in June of 2005, after my doctor retired, I decided to make
one more serious attempt at tapering off of my Klonopin.
I have always felt vulnerable that my physical and mental health was in the hands of doctors, who could easily refuse to refill my next
prescription putting me at risk of severe withdrawal.
Finding help
Once I had resolve in starting a serious taper again, I decided to search the Internet.
I found the Benzo Liberty web site, which in turn led me to the Yahoo Benzo Support group.
I started researching benzodiazepine withdrawal protocols and read the posts daily. In the files section I found an article written by one
of the moderators that described how to taper off of benzodiazepines using water as a titration medium.
The method looked good and I posted on the board with my desire to water titrate. Another mod graciously responded and taught me
the process. I then took the formula and created a schedule for myself using Microsoft Excel so that I wouldn’t have to do the math manually.
After dry cutting in .125mg increments and holding for two weeks after each cut, things started to get difficult after my third cut to .625mg.
I again took two weeks to stabilize at .625mg, and then started my water titration in July of 2005.
I always had difficulties tapering Klonopin in the past, but this time I had a lot of support from experienced, knowledgeable people and things
looked promising.
Water titration
Oh, my God! What a difference the water titration made. I could barely feel the withdrawals as I tapered. Yes, there were symptoms, but
they were so mild compared to breaking my pills.
By using the water titration method, I was able to continue working a full time job, attend exercise classes twice a week, help take care of
two small children, and most importantly, eventually free myself from the addictive bonds of the benzodiazepine drug.
What I’ve learned
Over the course of my journey, I have learned many things.
- 1. First and foremost would be to taper slowly. Have patience and don’t let the calendar determine when you will be off of your
medication. Hold when necessary for as long as necessary to maintain your stability as much as possible. Start out stable and stay stable
if at all possible. Listen to your body and adjust your taper rate to suit your individual tolerance.
2. Learn non-drug techniques to help you deal with your underlying issues. Techniques such as Vipassana meditation, yoga, taking walks,
stretching, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and deep breathing exercises all helped me to reduce my mental anxiety.
3. Face your fears and they will diminish or disappear. Keep yourself busy with activities and don’t dwell on your symptoms.
4. Symptoms don’t last forever; windows of clarity occur. Cherish the windows and know that more will come and that they are signs of healing.
5. Benzodiazepine withdrawal causes fatigue. For fifteen years while taking Klonopin I was always fatigued but never realized that it was
caused by tolerance withdrawal.
6. Benzodiazepines cause tolerance withdrawal. I never knew this and no one ever told me.
7. Lower doses can be harder to taper. I found that as I went below .25mg of Klonopin my tapering became more problematic and I had to
hold more frequently and slow down my taper so that I would remain stable.
8. Most doctors don’t know anything about benzodiazepine withdrawal protocols and many of them deny that withdrawal symptoms even
exist after the drug is out of your system.
List of symptoms
Sensitivity to sound (minor to moderate), Derealization/Depersonalization (DP/DR) (minor to moderate), Sensitivity to light (minor),
Tingling/numb fingers (minor), Sweaty hands (minor), Floating feeling when walking (minor), Slight eyelid twitch at lower doses (minor),
Muscle aches and pains (minor to severe), tight band feeling around my head (minor).
My return to wellness
The most important thing I’ve gained back is my freedom from someone or something controlling my life. I am no longer a slave to
benzodiazepines and I no longer have to be concerned over whether my next prescription refill will be denied.
My emotions have started to come back. No longer do I stand by and watch life from the sidelines. I get angry. I get very happy, and
I care. While on Klonopin, these emotions were lost and if I experienced them at all they were very much muted.
Part of my short term memory has returned to some degree and I find it easier to recall names. My sense of humor has increased
dramatically. My ability to recall things is improving, and I find it easier to compose essays. I don’t have to struggle as much when searching for the right words to use.
Fatigue is no longer an issue for me and that awful feeling I used to get when I missed a dose no longer plagues me. I have lost nothing
and gained everything.
I did lose one thing - my crutch.
Conclusion
When I was first researching how to get off benzodiazepines, I read a persons success story that described their experience of what
it was like to be free from benzodiazepines. The person said that the grass appeared greener once they were off.
I did not understand how grass could appear greener because I was in my own benzo fog at the time. As I reached the lower doses in my
taper, I experienced what the person was talking about. Life now appears more vivid. My senses are more alive, and the sky looks more
beautiful. This is what I had been missing out on all of these years without even realizing it.
There is a song that I have always liked the words to. It’s called “I hope you dance.”
The theme of the song is to not sit down and watch life pass you by.
So, as a toast to all who have suffered before us, those currently struggling, and those who have yet to attempt this journey. I hope that
we all find the strength to dance the dance of life. May we all be free and stay free of this insidious drug and live life to its fullest! I’ll see
you on the dance floor.
David
ByByMatrix's Story
March 8th, 2011
Full Healing After 18 Years on Klonopin
I started taking Klonopin for panic attacks 18 years ago. Which did seem to work for awhile. Through the years my dose slowly increased and my personality changed. I had become someone that didn't care, weather a person lived or died ,succeeded in life or failed. In fact, I liked watching others fail. I didn't like what I had become. So, without doing any research I jumped off Klonopin 11/30/09.
The first day after quitting, I woke up with a hot metallic taste in my mouth and decided to do a quick search on Klonopin withdrawals. The site I found listed symptoms such as metallic taste, increased anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia. Those symptoms I already had and thought, well I should be able handle the symptoms fine. Well, day three hit and everything let loose. On that night I woke up in shear terror and panic. The days that followed were even worse as I had the most terrible pain along with my skin feeling like it was on fire.
:Note: I had several tests done before jumping , from brain scans to a colonoscopy. Since being cleared with a clean bill of health, I knew the symptoms I had were from Klonopin.
Because of the pain and severe insomnia, I started to increase my Ambien dose and made up an excuse to have an old Percocet Rx renewed. My addiction to Ambien and Percocet soon became out of control. My Doctors became aware of my abuse and wouldn't give me another refill. So, at the end of April of 2010 I ended up doing another C/T. Although I stopped these drugs fast, it didn't seem to really change things for me mentally or physically. While I was still on Precocet and Ambien and even after I stopped both , the waves still kept happening.
I'm not proud and feel disappointed that I let this happen, but that's who I was and I am not that person anymore.
Even though things did seem to be improving somewhat, I still felt like a lost soul and wondered if this would be my normal self. My family even pressured me to reinstate and said, some people just need to stay on this medication.
Later, I had many ups and downs. One of which was a Cipro steroid reaction and that felt very close to the C/T I had done earlier with Klonopin. That was another very dark time for me. I even told my wife to be ready, because I didn't think I had the strength to make it this time. Well, don't ask me how but I managed to push through it. In time the intensity went down and the windows started happening again.
About three weeks ago, I woke up and my wife told me to go look at the whites of my eyes. When I looked they were white! Since that time my sleep has returned and have had not had anymore mental or physical problems.
I have also been testing myself by going out in public and doing a really intense workout. I have no more muscle weakness, or anxiety when I'm around people.
I'm symptom free and feel very confident I'm totally healed.
Although I did everything the wrong way. It shows you even a long time benzo user such as myself can heal.
Take your time, follow your taper, get support from others, ask questions and research as much as you can.
You will heal from this and realize the fight was all worth it.
Pete's Story
June 10, 2010
Two Years Off....And Where Am I Now?
It's funny.
I can vividly recall sitting at the office of my first psychiatric doctor, at age 14 no less, and being told that I was never going to be like other kids my age, that I would never be what he called "normal", because I suffered from manic depression. After being sentenced like a criminal for my nervous behaviour, my "physician" placed me in a prison of his own design, by means of a prescription for a drug that "I would have to take until I die".
That drug was Pamelor and it would be the first of many, many drugs that I would take over the next 21 years of my life.
I won't lie. I led a very good life on these medications - when they actually worked. I graduated college, got a degree in exercise physiology and nutritional studies, performed on stage for many years, got married, had children and basically led a relatively functional life.
One day, however, I noticed that life wasn't as easy as it had previously been. I was far more moody, more inclined to act aggressively, finding myself growing more and more apathetic, as well as basically becoming more withdrawn. On top of that, lights were suddenly too bright, sounds that I once enjoyed grated on my ears, things I enjoyed became uninteresting and I began to feel dizzy, uncomfortable and just plain sick...
In short, I was in a state of tolerance to my current medication regime, the meds I had been on for the last ten years - Klonopin and Remeron.
The Klonopin had ben given to me as an adjunct medication that was used to combat the restless legs that I got from the Remeron, but it worked really well on my anxiety and so my doc kept it on. I started at .5 mg, but worked my way all the way up to 2 mg before I got wise to what was happening to me.
I told him I wanted off of these meds after I researched them, something I should have done a long time ago. He assisted me and over a period of six months, I was weened off of both medications.
That was in June of 2008. The 9th, to be more precise.
The first month off was pure Heaven and I considered myself fortunate, as what I read seemed to indicate that I'd be suffering greatly for doing such a quick taper (I didn't know better and only learned of this after I made the mistake). However, my month of happiness quickly developed into months and months of sheer Hell - a nightmarish selection of symptoms that made me feel as if death would be a far better release than to keep going through what I was going through.
I couldn't sleep at all, I was so dizzy, I was throwing up day in and day out, I couldn't think straight, I was depressed and crying, I didn't want to be alone, I was clingy, I was unable to eat - and this was on a GOOD day.
After about six months, things started to get better, for a short period of time, but things didn't truly improve until the end of the first year.
Mind you, I was working the whole time I went through this. I had to. I had to keep myself functioning on some level. I have two kids and a wife - and they depended upon me, whether I was sick or not. It was pure Hell, but I think this got me through a lot of it.
As of yesterday, 6/9/2010, I am now two years off.
I am very functional, but am in now way the person I once was. Still, I realize that part of the change has nothing to do with what I went through. It's just who I was deep down inside, before all of the medications I was given (I was on a LOT of different meds over the years). The meds were what defined me and now, without them, I seek to define myself and it's hard not knowing who you truly are sometimes, not recalling how you felt prior to the meds...
I still have bad periods and they are tough, but I rise above it. I have to. I am still not sleeping all that well, but it has gotten better. I have some vertigo and feelings of fullness or feelings that I am going to fall over going on in my head and it terrifies me, but what can I do? I have joint and muscle issues, which is partially due to lack of sleep and I still get depressed, but I am healing and that's what gets me through.
Believe me. In two years, I have seen such improvement. I only wish I could see more.
I will.
We all will.
In the end, we all heal.
-Pete
Elizabeth's Story
June 16th, 2010
Benzo Free and Loving It!
Hello, my name is Elizabeth. I was prescribed .25 mgs. of Alprazolam after suffering a serious panic attack in March of 2005. By March 2007 my dose had increased to 2 mgs. per day. I knew nothing about tolerance. I accepted my doctor's advice on dosage increase and having to be on this med for the rest of my life, not unlike so many others have been told. I know now I had many symptoms before I chose to taper. I made my decision to get off benzos in March 2007. I told my doctor and asked for a plan, surprise, I got none. He did ask to do blood work before I began my taper. The blood work showed low thyroid function which I now know can be caused by benzo use. He put me on thyroid medication which sped up liver function and caused a full c/d w/d from Xanax. It took eight months and another 1 mg. of Alprozalam to get stable enough to begin my taper.
I began my taper on Feb. 1, 2008 and finished on March 24, 2009. Today I am well. I feel my life has returned to normal for the most part. I still have to watch my diet, do all to remain stress free and not over exert myself. If I do these things symptoms are kept at a minimum. I am back to enjoying social gatherings. I can go shopping, exercise and sleep. I am no longer house bound. I feel like I have been set free. Whatever suffering there was involved with getting off benzos has been far outweighed by the rewards.
If I could do this anyone can. Just take one day at a time and don't fight were you are on that day. Acceptance is key to a successful taper.
My best to all,
Elizabeth
Bliss' Story
March 11th, 2011
A New Beginning Awaits You...
Our wedding day could not have come soon enough. I was excited and totally unaware that an “adventure” of another kind was about to unfold. It all started in the spring of 1998 when I went to see my doctor about a troublesome tic of my right eye. I was planning my wedding and was somewhat self-conscious about the tic, which I felt would ruin my wedding day. Big lesson – If it ain't broke, don't fix it... and such vanity is not a good idea either! : )
My doctor prescribed Rivotril (clonazepam or Klonopin in the US), a drug I had not heard of before and had no clue was used as a tranquilliser or that there were dependency issues. It helped the tics initially, reducing them to a few or sometimes none daily and I was elated. I had found the miracle cure.
Tolerance and the first taste of withdrawal
My euphoria was short-lived as the tics soon returned, but this time more frequently and intensely. I stopped taking the medication once I realised it was no longer effective but had frightening involuntary movements a few days later and so ended up taking it again. The fitting stopped. I thought I'd developed a form of epilepsy or other movement disorder when I had in fact developed a tolerance (when more of the drug is needed to be effective) and by quitting cold turkey had had what was my first withdrawal reaction.
I ended up taking the medication for another 7-plus years by repeat prescription and for most of that time was in tolerance withdrawal, always having obscure complaints and minor ailments/withdrawal symptoms.
The fog descends
During the earlier years on the medication life was relatively normal and I worked hard within the voluntary sector and continued my training as a counsellor and clinical psychotherapist. But gradually everything became a blur: the brain fog descended on my brain, I became lethargic, emotionally anaesthetised, spaced out and absent-minded. I made unsound judgements with dire consequences but did not, at that time, make any link with the drug.
When my memory began to be affected and the brain fog became too severe, for ethical reasons and in the interest of my clients, I gave up counselling and went to do a less demanding but well-paying job. I had a feeling of foreboding and was generally unwell but still had no idea that this was in any way related to the medication.
Finally, an answer
In an effort to regain control of my life, I started searching for answers and found the Ashton Manual. I recall the tears gently rolling down my cheeks as I finally made the link between my challenges and drug. I quickly printed it off and took it to my doctor the following morning.
Not ever having had any type of psychological problem I dismissed many of the symptoms listed as being only likely to occur in people who had anxiety or depression as pre-existing conditions. I had no preconceptions of what withdrawal would be like. I eventually became too ill to work, had to give up work and lost my home as a result. By this time I had already left my husband. The downward spiral had begun.
Throes of withdrawal
My symptoms became intense once I was completely off the clonazepam (summer 2005). I thought I was prepared and in many ways I was. I did not resist and used meditation, positive self-talk, affirmations, emotional freedom techniques (EFT), diaphragmatic breathing and every other possible coping strategy while I observed what was happening to my mind and body. I couldn't sleep, eat, every part of my body hurt, tingled, twitched, my perception was distorted - I was "seeing and feeling things”, dizzy, my senses were heightened, my eyes were glazed and glassy, I had abdominal pains with vomiting and diarrhoea and just about every other withdrawal symptom conceivable. If I had not had this experience I would not have believed it possible for a prescribed drug to wreak such havoc. I could do very little but one thing I managed to do was to journalize my experience. I would throw up and then run to get a piece of paper to scribble on... Benzo insanity!
Windows and waves
By late February 2006, I had my first little window – a brief period during which the brain fog disappeared and some of the symptoms subsided. The pattern of intermittent waves of symptoms and these welcome windows of clarity continued with the waves gradually becoming shorter and the windows lasting longer. I began my taper around April/May 2005 and withdrawal ended in December 2005. (This is not recommended. You must taper as slowly as is suitable for you.) For more than a year of my withdrawal, apart from having to cope with the waves of dizziness, nausea DP, DR and other symptoms, my memory was badly impaired. I remember having to keep a notebook with my address, NI (SS) number, the day the rubbish was collected and other important information. I felt like someone suffering from early onset dementia.
Recovery and a new beginning
I eventually made it through to recovery! Around December of 2007 I noticed that most of the symptoms had disappeared. I was a bit shell shocked and waited until March of 2008 before announcing my recovery. I was so accustomed to having waves and windows, I thought it best to wait. : ) I consider myself to be fully recovered and feel 100% better than I was during the entire time that I took the benzo. (I do still have little spasms in the general area where I had the pre-existing tic. They are very brief and pain-free and I honestly don't give then any attention. I consider them to be a part of the final fine-tuning/tweaking of my nervous system.) I'm extremely thankful that I am now recovered and able to resume a normal life. To have my cognitive faculties back was worth every minute of withdrawal and I am still in awe of how resilient and self-healing our bodies are. To go from not being able to say a full sentence or read a book to writing one (“Benzo-Wise) is evidence of how well we heal.
Withdrawal is temporary
If you are in the process of discontinuing a benzo, z-drug or antidepressant, please be assured that any withdrawal effects that you may be experiencing are temporary (even if you notice it is lasting longer than you hoped). You must dig deep down for patience and give your nervous system time to heal. Also, remember that not everyone has such severe and protracted symptoms; there are some people with mild dependencies who are able to discontinue the drug and continue working and functioning fully. The key is to always hold on to HOPE. Accept the symptoms, avoid stimulants and over-exerting, focus on the positives, don't compare your situation with others, find things to be grateful for every single day no matter how badly you may be feeling, release any resistance and be gentle and nurturing with yourself... you WILL make it through this.
And when you do, it will be very empowering. I genuinely believe that nothing in life can phase me now - a sense of near-invincibility. You've survived benzo withdrawal? You can survive anything!
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